Dark vs. Light

I am absolutely terrified of the dark. The idea of being alone in a house at night makes me feel physically sick. Of course I have had to do it before, but it doesn't get easier. Every time I try and stay awake until I cannot keep my eyes open any longer, in hope that I can just get into bed and go straight to sleep. It never works. I end up in bed with my duvet over my head like a child hiding from the monster in the closet, hearing nothing but my heart beat pounding twice as fast as usual, uncontrollably convincing myself I can hear more and start making up the worst possible scenarios in my mind.
I've only seen one or two scary films, but that was when I was about 16 years old and for the majority of them I had my face covered anyway, so what I create in my mind is certainly not from earthly experiences.
Of course I pray and I put on worship music and praise God and I try everything in an attempt to rid my mind of these terrible emotions- but I can't, they don't go until I wake up the next morning and its light again.

The reason I am writing about this is down to a conversation I had with a good Christian friend of mine recently about my awful home alone (/generally anything to do with the dark) habits and I remember feeling like a terrible follower of Christ. I remember thinking "If I am walking in the light at all times then why does darkness scare me so?" "If I believe that I'm constantly surrounded by the Trinity then why do all these demonic thoughts go through my mind?" "People must think I'm not fully trusting in God" "Am I fully trusting in God?"... oh my, I started doubting my faith, my life, my sanity! I didn't come to any conclusions during this conversation but since then I have really been praying into it- I know these thoughts and feelings aren't from God, so why can't I shake them?

To try and re-gain my own confidence in my faith I started to think and pray about the areas of my life that Jesus is so present, and the obvious one that stood out was my dreams. So vivid, so memorable, so blessed. I started to think about why God chose dreams as a way to talk to me- and I guess its obvious- I'm a creative, always have been and always will be, so the best way to communicate with me is through dreams, through pictures and colours and movements... my imagination is like that of a child, it has no boundaries and I've often got lost within it. This is the most powerful tool God has to talk to me.... so why would the devil pass up an opportunity like trying to interfere with that and claim it as his own? Boom; Thank you Jesus for the power of realisation.

Figuring that out is not an instant fix. Just the thought of the dark still makes me nervous but at least I can deal with it knowing that 1. I'm not losing my mind, 2. My faith and relationship with Jesus is still very much going strong, and 3. Its just the devil trying to break the bond between me and my Heavenly Father. It's a battle that's ongoing on earth but in heaven its already won- darkness has been defeated by light.

Whenever you start to doubt your faith or wonder why you're thinking or feeling something that's clearly not from God, really pray into what could be causing it. If it's not good, it's not from God. Chances are its evil attacking and grabbing hold of the most precious connection between you and your Father. In my case it was my creativity and my imagination, but each relationship is different and tailor made to you. Don't jump to conclusions and assume it's God forgetting about you or testing you or that you're not good enough, cause then you're allowing darkness to cast shadows onto His light.

Never lose sight of God and the incredible things he's doing in your life. Never let evil grasp onto the things that bond you and Jesus so closely together, never assume anything when it comes to you and your faith, remember He uses ALL things for good, never give in, never give up, never forget that darkness has been defeated. 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains –

    where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip –

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you –

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm –

    he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and for evermore."

-Psalm 121

Running on empty

For some reason, quite often when I'm driving to church, this light pops up on my dashboard:

I swear it only comes on whilst I'm making my journey to church but I normally don't think much of it other than "Urgh, not again!!"

However yesterday was different. This symbol lit up in front of me and I'm pretty sure I literally said out loud: "Yeah, me too".

I am getting to that point where I literally feel like I am running on empty. I mean, my life is pretty good don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for all I've been blessed with, but sometimes I just get so tired. Tired of deadlines, tired of rejections, tired of maybe's, tired of running around, tired of being accused, tired of being lonely, tired of illness, tired of not knowing, tired of goodbyes.. you get the point. And sometimes where it hits the hardest is spiritually. And spiritually running out of fuel is the worst! 

When you pray and pray for something and nothing happens, when you feel like you're so close to your prayer being answered and then it falls out from underneath you. It seems that all the things in life that knock us back, naturally fall back on our faith, because what better way for darkness to take over the light than when your light starting to fade anyway? What better way for evil to twist your thoughts and emotions than when you're out of control of them? In the chaos of the storm it is so easy to drift far away from God, almost without even knowing it.

If you have read this so far and thought, "yep, I know that feeling", then I want to encourage you to look at it from the perspective of light and not dark. Instead of automatically thinking the worst of a situation and assuming God is punishing you, take a step back and look at it through the lens of Jesus. Thing's really aren't as bad as they seem when you do that, if you run towards Him instead of turning away then only good can come from it. You run out of fuel from running away, or giving up. 

God uses all things for good, so think about how He is, or can, use your situation, whatever it may be, for good. The more you run towards him and anchor yourself in him, the more you will see light take over the darkness, your fuel light will turn off and you will be overflowing. 

"...The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died – more than that, who was raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

‘For your sake we face death all day long;

    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

-Romans 8:26-39

Trusting in trust

I'm just gonna jump right in and say that completely handing my life over to God was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To say; "God, I totally trust you, I let go of my life and offer it to you" was difficult. How do I know that by trusting God everything will work out fine? How do I know that he won't just leave me in the dark? How do I know he will help me make the right decisions? I don't. And I guess that's why they call it trust.

Trust:
'trʌst'
noun
Firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.

Faith:
'feɪθ'
noun
Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Its interesting when you look up the synonyms for these words because they're practically identical:

Trust: confidence, belief, faith, freedom from suspicion/doubt, sureness, certainty, certitude, assurance, conviction, credence, reliance.

Faith: trust, belief, confidence, conviction, credence, reliance, dependence; optimism, hopefulness, hope, expectation.

Trust plays a huge part when it comes to faith. So how can you sustain a strong faith and relationship with God if you haven't completely surrendered to him and trusted him with all that you are?

You may be reading this thinking "that's great for you sounds like you and God are mega tight and it's come easily"- you couldn't be more wrong. I know that in my life at the moment there are several things I'm trusting into God's hands. And its SO hard but SO wonderful. Its amazing having faith that he's got it under control but my goodness, at times I've cried out to him saying "where are you? You promised you would make my paths straight but I currently can't even see one step in front of the other." What I find most difficult is trusting Him but not seeing instant results. When I know his promises but I have to wait for an unknown amount of time before I can see them fulfilled.
But I guess that's why they call it trust.

I think trust is one of the areas evil likes to try and grasp hold of and twist, because it has such a close relationship with faith. Ruin one and you've got a firm grip on them both. The devil will find a way to attack- those thoughts of 'what if' and 'it's been too long God's obviously forgotten' and 'this promise will never be fulfilled'- thats evil sneaking its way in. I know because I have thought these things for myself, and its knocked me down time and time again. I am far from a negative person but when something I care about so much seems to be going in the opposite direction to what I believe God wants and what I want, I start to doubt my trust in God all together. Doubt my trust and I doubt my faith, doubt my faith and the devils found a way in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: (and I suppose I am kind of writing this for my own benefit as well as to benefit others because it's also what I need to hear - practice what you preach and all that.) 

Don't lose your trust in God just because you can't see the finish line. It's there, sometimes it's far off, sometimes its closer than you think. But from experience, the moment you let go of earthly strength and grasp hold of heavenly strength, things start to fall into place.

I just want to encourage you to lean back and let God catch you, He really does have it under control and if you place your trust in him and offer him your all, he will bless that. Just remember that with this trust you have to put up with God's timing. It's a pain in the butt but its blessed so who am I to argue? Just because it's not happening when you want it to, doesn't mean it won't happen at all. Trust in our ALL KNOWING, ALL SEEING God. He's not gonna let you down.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Jesus spoke to me about this whilst I was out chasing the sunset the other evening. I strongly recommend and encourage you take time out to seek God and try to hear his voice, he's got some pretty awesome stuff to say.

Rain down, reign down...

Last night I couldn't sleep. I had 101 things buzzing round my head and I didn't know what to do with them. I tried cataloguing them away in the back of my head; things that urgently need prayer, things that can wait, things I need to do, things I need to say, people I need to confront, people I need to forgive, people I need to talk to... you get the idea. Anyway, it wasn't working. It got to 3am and I was still laying in bed, tossing and turning. As I was laying there, the house entirely silent, all I could hear was the rain, and it was POURING. Now people usually associate the rain with sadness, Eeyore style. 

I don't really know what made me want to photograph it... I'm a photographer, what can I say?! And I also have no idea why people in the house across the path were also awake, but hey, this was the scene.

It was very dark and very rainy and very windy. 

Now there is a lot of verses in the bible that talk about rain, in both positive and negative lights. But the way I see it, rain isn't sent as a sign of sadness. Yeah, as humans we don't necessarily like it, but what if we started seeing it as a blessing instead of an inconvenience? A promise instead of a punishment? New life instead of destruction?

Listening to the rain made me stop thinking about all that was troubling me and concentrate on God. I didn't come to any kind of conclusion at 3am, but I did fall asleep because I stopped worrying and rested in his presence. 

I woke at 7am and looked out the window again. This was the scene:

It was beautiful. Through the rain drop covered glass there was a glorious morning arising, the promise of love and new mercies (Lamentations 3:22-23). 

Feeling all warm and fuzzy inside (Jesus style), I fell back to sleep and woke up at 9am, again, I looked out my window:

The sun shining beautiful warmth through my room, and the rain had almost completely dried. 

Now this may sound mad, but I really felt like that was God saying:

1. Rest in my presence- its the best place to be.

2. Let go, I've got you. 

3. This rain isn't to emphasise your sorrow, its to bring new harvest and bring blessings. (The bible talks about the heavens opening and dropping rain at the presence of God (Psalm 68:8).)

4. Do not worry (Matthew 6:34)

5. Through the rain comes promises of a new tomorrow, new love, and new mercies.

6. It's not forever, the sun is coming to bring warmth and spring new life.

7. I know what you need and I will provide. (Philippians 4:19, Jeremiah 29:11)

8. I love you.

I know that this is relevant to a lot of people, if not everyone. I guess the message I'm trying to put across is this:

Listen out for the rain. Not necessarily literally, but spiritually and emotionally too. When it feels like its raining in life, think not about the negatives, but about the blessings and promises to come. Through the rain stained window, new mercies are arising. God has got you. Rest in his presence, do not worry, embrace the rain; 

HE 

LOVES 

YOU.

"Drip down, O heavens, from above, And let the clouds pour down righteousness; Let the earth open up and salvation bear fruit, And righteousness spring up with it. I, the LORD, have created it." - Isaiah 45:8

"May he come down like rain upon the mown grass, Like showers that water the earth." - Psalm 72:6

"In the light of a king's face is life, And his favour is like a cloud with the spring rain." - Proverbs 16:15

My word is 'Ruth'.

I have struggled, and still struggle with discerning Gods voice. I question whether I think He said something to me or if I just made it up in my head. I usually know when He speaks to me in dreams but most of the time they are messages to pass on to someone else. But every so often, His voice is very, very clear. Not in a 'blinded by light, earth shattering, booming voice from the sky' sense, but for me, and it's different for everyone, I don't hear or see anything, I just know it, and it doesn't leave my head. Its normally just a word... like 'February' or 'Harvest', and I just know what He's on about. Well, for the last few weeks, my word has been 'Ruth'.

Now, I'd heard of Ruth, of course. I knew there's a whole book in the bible about her. I knew she's faithful to Naomi, I knew she marries Boaz and I knew she's vaguely related to Jesus. The rest was just a blur, it's just a small book in the bible, it can't be of THAT much significance, right? WRONG! Oh, how wrong could I be. 

Ruth is an incredible woman who displays the traits of someone I aspire to be. Here are the main points I feel impacted me the most:

1. Her faithfulness is unconditional.

2. She fixes her eyes on God at all times, despite her losses.

3. She gleaned, which meant she had to put all pride behind her and do what she could to feed herself and her family.

4. Boaz notices her and picks her out in a crowd. Not because of the clothes she was wearing or how much time she spent on her hair and makeup, but because of her humbleness and commitment.

5. She is patient. 

6. Because of all this, she gave birth to Jesus' great great great great (x27... yes, I counted) grandfather. 

I mean, it doesn't get much better than that! 

One of my favourite verses in Ruth is when she says to Naomi:

'Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Wherever you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay' (1:16) -Its so profound, its almost like the words of Jesus are being spoken through her hundreds of years before Jesus was even born. This is a promise spoken not only from Ruth to Naomi but also from Jesus to us. And it was something that I found so encouraging, and I hope you do too. 

I'm no preacher, I don't know the bible like the back of my hand, I'm no good at praying out loud, I don't have all the answers and more often then not I get it wrong anyway... But I do know the power thats captivated in each and every page of the bible, sometimes you just need a nudge to dive in and explore it. My friend said to me today "the pages in the bible are so thin, I'm surprised they don't tear"... the pages are like faith; fragile but strong, often confusing but the answers never far away, there are long chapters and short chapters, the scribbles and notes mean its not always perfect and pristine but its beautiful and full of goodness, and most importantly of all, it's rooted in Jesus.

So my word is Ruth. I know God is calling me to be more like Ruth, more humble, more faithful, more patient- and through these things He will provide and do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). 

What's your word?