Dark vs. Light

I am absolutely terrified of the dark. The idea of being alone in a house at night makes me feel physically sick. Of course I have had to do it before, but it doesn't get easier. Every time I try and stay awake until I cannot keep my eyes open any longer, in hope that I can just get into bed and go straight to sleep. It never works. I end up in bed with my duvet over my head like a child hiding from the monster in the closet, hearing nothing but my heart beat pounding twice as fast as usual, uncontrollably convincing myself I can hear more and start making up the worst possible scenarios in my mind.
I've only seen one or two scary films, but that was when I was about 16 years old and for the majority of them I had my face covered anyway, so what I create in my mind is certainly not from earthly experiences.
Of course I pray and I put on worship music and praise God and I try everything in an attempt to rid my mind of these terrible emotions- but I can't, they don't go until I wake up the next morning and its light again.

The reason I am writing about this is down to a conversation I had with a good Christian friend of mine recently about my awful home alone (/generally anything to do with the dark) habits and I remember feeling like a terrible follower of Christ. I remember thinking "If I am walking in the light at all times then why does darkness scare me so?" "If I believe that I'm constantly surrounded by the Trinity then why do all these demonic thoughts go through my mind?" "People must think I'm not fully trusting in God" "Am I fully trusting in God?"... oh my, I started doubting my faith, my life, my sanity! I didn't come to any conclusions during this conversation but since then I have really been praying into it- I know these thoughts and feelings aren't from God, so why can't I shake them?

To try and re-gain my own confidence in my faith I started to think and pray about the areas of my life that Jesus is so present, and the obvious one that stood out was my dreams. So vivid, so memorable, so blessed. I started to think about why God chose dreams as a way to talk to me- and I guess its obvious- I'm a creative, always have been and always will be, so the best way to communicate with me is through dreams, through pictures and colours and movements... my imagination is like that of a child, it has no boundaries and I've often got lost within it. This is the most powerful tool God has to talk to me.... so why would the devil pass up an opportunity like trying to interfere with that and claim it as his own? Boom; Thank you Jesus for the power of realisation.

Figuring that out is not an instant fix. Just the thought of the dark still makes me nervous but at least I can deal with it knowing that 1. I'm not losing my mind, 2. My faith and relationship with Jesus is still very much going strong, and 3. Its just the devil trying to break the bond between me and my Heavenly Father. It's a battle that's ongoing on earth but in heaven its already won- darkness has been defeated by light.

Whenever you start to doubt your faith or wonder why you're thinking or feeling something that's clearly not from God, really pray into what could be causing it. If it's not good, it's not from God. Chances are its evil attacking and grabbing hold of the most precious connection between you and your Father. In my case it was my creativity and my imagination, but each relationship is different and tailor made to you. Don't jump to conclusions and assume it's God forgetting about you or testing you or that you're not good enough, cause then you're allowing darkness to cast shadows onto His light.

Never lose sight of God and the incredible things he's doing in your life. Never let evil grasp onto the things that bond you and Jesus so closely together, never assume anything when it comes to you and your faith, remember He uses ALL things for good, never give in, never give up, never forget that darkness has been defeated. 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains –

    where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip –

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you –

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm –

    he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and for evermore."

-Psalm 121

Trusting in trust

I'm just gonna jump right in and say that completely handing my life over to God was one of the hardest things I've ever done. To say; "God, I totally trust you, I let go of my life and offer it to you" was difficult. How do I know that by trusting God everything will work out fine? How do I know that he won't just leave me in the dark? How do I know he will help me make the right decisions? I don't. And I guess that's why they call it trust.

Trust:
'trʌst'
noun
Firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.

Faith:
'feɪθ'
noun
Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Its interesting when you look up the synonyms for these words because they're practically identical:

Trust: confidence, belief, faith, freedom from suspicion/doubt, sureness, certainty, certitude, assurance, conviction, credence, reliance.

Faith: trust, belief, confidence, conviction, credence, reliance, dependence; optimism, hopefulness, hope, expectation.

Trust plays a huge part when it comes to faith. So how can you sustain a strong faith and relationship with God if you haven't completely surrendered to him and trusted him with all that you are?

You may be reading this thinking "that's great for you sounds like you and God are mega tight and it's come easily"- you couldn't be more wrong. I know that in my life at the moment there are several things I'm trusting into God's hands. And its SO hard but SO wonderful. Its amazing having faith that he's got it under control but my goodness, at times I've cried out to him saying "where are you? You promised you would make my paths straight but I currently can't even see one step in front of the other." What I find most difficult is trusting Him but not seeing instant results. When I know his promises but I have to wait for an unknown amount of time before I can see them fulfilled.
But I guess that's why they call it trust.

I think trust is one of the areas evil likes to try and grasp hold of and twist, because it has such a close relationship with faith. Ruin one and you've got a firm grip on them both. The devil will find a way to attack- those thoughts of 'what if' and 'it's been too long God's obviously forgotten' and 'this promise will never be fulfilled'- thats evil sneaking its way in. I know because I have thought these things for myself, and its knocked me down time and time again. I am far from a negative person but when something I care about so much seems to be going in the opposite direction to what I believe God wants and what I want, I start to doubt my trust in God all together. Doubt my trust and I doubt my faith, doubt my faith and the devils found a way in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: (and I suppose I am kind of writing this for my own benefit as well as to benefit others because it's also what I need to hear - practice what you preach and all that.) 

Don't lose your trust in God just because you can't see the finish line. It's there, sometimes it's far off, sometimes its closer than you think. But from experience, the moment you let go of earthly strength and grasp hold of heavenly strength, things start to fall into place.

I just want to encourage you to lean back and let God catch you, He really does have it under control and if you place your trust in him and offer him your all, he will bless that. Just remember that with this trust you have to put up with God's timing. It's a pain in the butt but its blessed so who am I to argue? Just because it's not happening when you want it to, doesn't mean it won't happen at all. Trust in our ALL KNOWING, ALL SEEING God. He's not gonna let you down.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Jesus spoke to me about this whilst I was out chasing the sunset the other evening. I strongly recommend and encourage you take time out to seek God and try to hear his voice, he's got some pretty awesome stuff to say.