For those of you that don't know me, my
name is Harriet Thayre. I'm 21 and a half, I am a photography student
in Surrey, I am a middle child of an awesome family, I have a passion
for travel, my hearts broken for the poor, I am a lover of Jesus and
a Child of God.
I am currently in the second year of my
degree after taking two “gap years” to figure out where God
wanted me. Since as early as I can remember I have been confused
about where I am meant to be, who I am meant to be, what I'm good at
and how I can be better at it. I've never been top of the class,
actually, it was rare if I was even middle of the class, but I'm
convinced I tried the hardest. When I was in primary school I was
very popular. I was a complete nutter, hyper everyday, loving life. I
was a massive teachers pet- me and my two best friends- Lucy and
Helen- or, to me, Lulu and Belly head (Don't ask), we did everything
we could to help the teacher and do the best we could. I loved acting
and had endless confidence to do so. When I left primary school I
knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to be an actress- obviously!
Looking back at the videos of me acting now I have NO idea why my
parents allowed me to continue embarrassing myself in such a way but
I loved doing it so they weren't very well going to stop me now were
they?!
When I was 12 years old my confidence
was shattered. My parents sat myself, my little sister and older
brother down and told us that “mummy and daddy won't be living
together anymore”. I remember it so vividly. I sat there for a
minute in silence and then said “that's okay”. What was I meant
to say? My sister was too little to understand and my brother was
already going through struggles of his own. I felt alone. All I could
think about was all the times mummy and daddy hugged and when I saw
them I always went to join in, and they promised me it would be this
way forever. Now I'm older I can totally appreciate that
relationships don't always work out and it was their happiness that
was on the line, and I can see why they decided not to stay together.
But for many years of my life the divorce had a massive impact on me.
I lost all confidence, my thoughts turned from being positive to
negative, my attitude got worse, I cried myself to sleep more times
than I can bother counting. I was broken by it, just like a lot of my
friends were when their parents separated. Why am I telling you this,
you ask. Because I want to tell you how present God was during this
time. I want to encourage you and lift you up by telling you how He
never left me, and how He will never leave me, nor you.
A couple of months before my parents
broke the news, I had a dream, as I often did as a child, from God.
And I knew it was from God- don't ask how I knew, I guess I had
childlike faith and it worked. Through this dream he told me that my
life is going to be a bit of a roller-coaster, but that he will be
there the whole way. He also showed me pictures through real life
scenes; One day I was stood at the top of a hill looking over rolling
hills for as far as I could see, the field closest to me had sheep in
it and they were all moving from one field, through a gate into the
next field. Most of the sheep were through but there was one sheep
left, limping and struggling to make it, God told me that I was this
sheep. But there was a lamb running from the second field, to the
limping sheep, and back again through the gate, going round and
round, God was the lamb. The lamb didn't stop until the struggling
sheep was through the gate. No matter how much I'm struggling, He's
going to keep running back and helping me until I'm through that
gate. He will never leave me. Starting to see a pattern?
Many years have passed since all that
happened, yes it has left inner scars but they're healed, thanks to
the power of Jesus and the grace of God. I have a strong relationship
with both parents and love my family dearly. It could have been a
whole lot worse. But since then I have always struggled with this
feeling of being alone.
My relationship with Jesus has been
pretty strong throughout my life, ups and downs as I'm sure every
Christian will say, but He has been a constant, even in the nights
when I was crying, feeling alone, He tucked me in, kissed my head,
and sung me to sleep.
Between the ages of 12 and 21, I have
completed my GCSE'S, I have 3 A levels- Media, Art and Photography, I
have a foundation diploma in Art and Design and I have spent 6 months
living and working in Kolkata, India. It took me so long to decide
upon university because I was, and still am quite frankly, struggling
with that knowledge of what and who I am meant to be. (Do you ever
really find out?) Since my confidence got knocked I didn't want to
act anymore. So instead I chose art because I love getting messy and
making something colourful and beautiful out of it. Then I chose
photography because I love capturing moments that you will never get
back again. I chose these things because I never have been and never
will be an academic (no matter how many endless nights I spend
studying). I'll never be able to be a doctor like my friend Lucy, or
a dietitian like Helen, but I've always known that God is fully aware
of this and its not a mistake. He doesn't make mistakes.
I thought God was calling me to be a
missionary so I went to India (as you do). I worked with street
children and rescued sex workers and I loved and love every single
one of them. I miss those children dearly, they broke my heart and
fixed it again. They taught me so much more than anyone ever has and
they're only 2-10 years old. But saying all this, by the time my 6th
month was up I was so ready to come home. I was starting to feel
lonely. I would give anything to go back and hold those children
again, but I couldn't do it alone.
I finally decided to come to university
after a lot of conversations with every person I ever spoke to. I got
accepted into my top two choices, and chose Farnham.
I spent my first year living like a
robot. I got up, I went to lectures, I took photos, I came home, I
went to the gym, I did some work, I went to bed. Sundays I got up and
went to church twice, once in the morning and once in the afternoon,
I went to bed. Repeat. I questioned why I was there A LOT. University
was and is slowly killing my passion for photography. But maybe,
maybe God brought me to Surrey for another reason. Maybe I wouldn't
have moved here if it wasn't for the university? Have you ever
thought about that? Maybe you're where you are, not for what you
think you're meant to be there for, but for some other mental plan
that God's got up his sleeve.
It's the truth but it can get lonely. I
struggle a lot with loneliness (can you tell?!). And just recently
its been quite a lot more obvious than it has been for a while. I
wish I could pick up the phone and dial God's number and have a chat
about what on earth he thinks he's doing and can he please let me
know so I can stop moping around and get on with whatever it is I'm
actually here for?! Ha, nope, that would be far too easy, wouldn't it
God? But if it was that easy, what would be our reason for faith?
Instead of a phone line, Jesus decided to call it prayer. Its similar
to calling Him, but you don't always get an instant reply. But don't
worry, you will, always, at some point get a reply- even if you don't
think you heard it.
So I was sitting at my desk the other
day, feeling pretty worked up and confused and lonely and stressed
and all these horrible emotions the devil likes to dump on us daily,
when I turned on my ipod and the first song that played went like
this: “God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed, give me vision,
to see things like you do, God I look to you, give me wisdom, you
know just what to do.” (“God I look to you”- Bethel Church)
Wow! He knew exactly what I needed to hear, He knew those words would
cause the devil to run and hide and lead me to call out my Fathers
name in worship. As I sat silent listening to this song, I started to
hear it differently; “My child, look to me, don't be overwhelmed,
I'm giving you vision to see things like I do, my child, look to me,
I'm giving you the wisdom to know just what to do.” God sang to me
at the exact moment I needed him to. Just like when I was a child and
he kissed me on the head and sung me to sleep, He is still just as
present, as I was sat at my desk, he kissed my head and sung the
sweetest song over me.
There is no limit to the ways in which
God speaks to you. Sometimes it take a few days, weeks, months, just
to hear to the whispers, other times its as obvious as a song on your
ipod, you just have to learn to listen.
I want to encourage you today,
regardless of your circumstances, regardless of what you've been
through, regardless of what you're going through, regardless of what
you have done or what your past looks like, regardless of how lonely
or depressed you feel, just to pick up that prayer phone and dial
into God. He is listening. He is ever present. He is constantly
running back to you, He is before all things and in Him all things
hold together (Colossians 1:17), He is kissing you on the forehead
and singing over you: “You are my Son (Daughter) whom I love, with
you I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17). Do not be overwhelmed, He is
with you always, He knows what He's doing even when you don't. He
loves you unconditionally and He will never let you go. With Him you
are never alone.
Hallelujah, our God reigns.
“The Lord your God is with you, He is
mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you
with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing” - Zephaniah
3:17
